In 1974, I sat on the couch and stared out the window at the neighbor kids playing on London Lane. One thought pervaded my 6-year-old mind: those people are going to hell. They were Orthodox Christians and they didn't celebrate Christmas on December 25, but rather in January. Therefore, they were going to hell.
Growing up, I thought an awful lot of people were going to hell. In 4th grade, Sandra Rodriguez was going to hell. She was my good friend and the very best student at Kermit Elementary in West Texas, but when she prayed, she prayed to the Virgin Mary. She was going to hell. And, Cindy Williams, who lived down the street, was going to hell. She was Baptist and believed once-saved-always-saved. Darla Smith was Church of Christ and she was going to hell because the Church of Christ thought they were the only people going to heaven.
In junior high, my grandmother was going to hell because she smoked; my uncle, because he drank beer and my brother because he got a tattoo. In high school, Robin Smith was going to hell because she was a Latter Day Saint and they had added to the Bible with the Book of Mormon. Still, she was my friend. We cashiered together at the Family TG&Y in Bartlesville. She was bound for BYU. She dreamed of meeting a Mormon boy and having a temple wedding. She was the most Christ-like teenager I ever knew, but she was still going to hell.
It's hard to say or maybe admit how I came to all these unfortunate conclusions, but I did.
For a long time, I struggled to accept my own convictions about God. This really began in 1979, when my friend up the street, Linda Wilson, handed me a copy of Are You There God? It's Me Margaret. To this day, it is one of the top 100 books most frequently challenged at American Libraries. In the book, 12-year-old Margaret, who has no religion, decides, after many prayers (mostly about adolescent woes), to become a practicing Jew. In her pursuit of God, she chose Judaism over Christianity. Sadly, she was going to hell.
As the years passed, hell-on-earth led me to a deeper understanding of God's love. This allowed me to exchange the worthless currency of hell-talk for the powerful currency of loving. Ironically, this makes some Christians uncomfortable. In fact, now I am the one going to hell.
But, of course, I am not, and neither was Sandra, Cindy, Darla, Robin, my grandmother, my uncle, my brother or Margaret.
These days, I do not spend my time thinking about hell, where it is, how you get there or who might be going. I think instead about the darkness that so many people crawl into in an effort to find some light, to find some love.
This weekend, I heard Fr. James Bernstein, an Orthodox Christian Priest, speak. He confirmed many of my long-held beliefs. Below are just a few of the more than 10 pages of notes I took. To place the following ideas in their fuller context, refer to Bernstein's book, Surprised by Christ.
Regarding the fall, death was not the result of a punitive sentence from God.
Only life can come from God. In eating the fruit, Adam and Eve looked to the world for sustenance instead of God.
Love is not a created attribute of God.
God is love.
Sin is a failure to realize life as love and communion.
How do we readjust our view of God?
A legal view of salvation leads to a legal view of sin.
Where does darkness come from? Our darkness is due to our hiding from the light.
To say God turns away from the wicked is like saying the sun hides from the blind.
God is a composite unity (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) - each person is divine. Forever one loves the other two and existed before the creation of the universe.
God created creatures of authentic freewill who can choose to resist His love.
God had to withdraw His control. This distance creates opportunity to respond to His love without being forced.
God's incarnation, this is God as humble. It is as natural for Him to be humble as it is for Him to be almighty. The implications of this are beyond human grasp.
The sun always shines light, never darkness.
Today, people are repulsed by Church and admit only to a private relationship with God.
Church has caused people to recoil and become anti-Christian.
Where can I escape God's presence? Peter said, "If I go to hell, you are there."
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In May, ABC News published a story Young Americans Losing Their Religion. According to the article between 30 and 40 percent of Generation X and Generation Y claim no religious affiliation. Robert Putnam, a Harvard Professor, calls this a "stunning development." This growing trend is part of the inspiration behind the "Try Orthodoxy" campaign.
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Have you recoiled?
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19 comments:
Jen, I was fortunate enough to hear the Father speak. And he is very blessed about how to convey what God really is and our relationship. It was very enlightening to be told about love and relationship, instead of scarry like so many religious leaders like to scare the hell out of us. I think when the man at the pulpit, (the pulpit is usually the focus-not Christ), uses our problems and differences against us we are alienated and just go in the opposite direction. I think most people just give up and enjoy life in deviant ways, because as Bart Simpson says,"most of the best bands are aligned with satan anyways". All of the fire and brimstone relious leaders miss the mark and go for the legalistic, judgemental approach. If they really read the Bible they would have read that Jesus is the "Great Physician", or in Jesus words that "I come for the sick, the healthy are in no need of a Physician" I don't recall Jesus saying that we were in need of more lawers and judges. I think he may have inferred that we had enough. Robert
When I was 5 or 6, my Dad must have figured that it was high time to pray me through. He called me into his study, sat me down, and opened Revelations. He focused an intense effort to convince me to repent for my sin.
Now by age 6, I certainly had told a lie or two. Yes, I HAD pulled my sister's hair at least once, and I may have coveted a Tonka or a Hotwheel or two.
But this lake of fire was serious business, and sounded very scary. I wondered if there were motor boats on that lake; and if there fish in there,did they come out of that lake COOKED and ready to eat?
Gnashing of teeth??? I still had my baby teeth! (gnashing of baby-teeth?) What exactly did gnashing sound like? Was that like gritting my teeth? Were there Dentists in Hell, and did it hurt?
Dad worked his way through the pertinent parts of Revelations, pointing out every step of the way that I was a filthy sinner who was going straight to Hell if I didn't repent THEN AND THERE.
What seemed like HOURS past, I was sobbing; I didn't even understand why. Had I done something wrong? Was Dad mad at me? I sat there a trembling and very frightend little boy who would have said ANYTHING to be allowed to go back outside and play. After a while, I must have repeated the right words, and I was released from the prayer meeting.
For YEARS (yes, YEARS) I experienced nightmares about going to Hell. The Devil, Lucifer, Bealzebob, and Satin himself would welcome me into Hell each night as I would drift off to sleep, expecting slumber, but receiving only torture. I would wake up in terror, scared out of my wits~ beyond description, too afraid to even walk accross my bedroom floor to turn on the light (Satan loves the dark). I felt like my life was ending, and there was nothing anyone could do about it, not even God, because I was lost forever.
Because I was a sinner, because I was Damned, because I deserved it.
I can still remember the dream, but those memories are fleeting. I choose not to decend into Hell nightly anymore. I choose to slumber now. I choose to believe that God is a God of Love and Forgiveness, whose Grace is sufficient for me.
By the time I was 17, I'd heard around 2500 sermons, give or take a skid row-mission service or two. That is alot of Fire and Brimstone for one kid to take, and I wonder now if Brimstone would be appropriate for tileing a kitchen floor...
Hell may be a real place. I feel like I've been there a time or two, but didn't choose to stay. I don't want to go back there, but I guess time will tell.
@ROBERT - Luv that you included that Bart Simpson line.
@WILDBILLY - First, I had to laugh when I read all the satan names. (You forgot split-hoof, my favorite.) second, I had to cry, because, well, I know...
This post is great, and really well written too. Thank you for the notes you took.
Sounds like an interesting talk you attended. Certainly several new ways of thinking about things for me.
Does that mean I'm going to hell?
WildBilly, I think you can special order brimstone from Loews, that is if you can get the BBoomer to get off his rear and help you. Also, I hear if you install it in your kitchen it'll heat your entire house. But, if you have a party in your house it's not recommended that anyone other than a priest stand on it. Refer to Shrek if you have any other questions about brimstone.
Loved the Bart Simpson quote. Loved this statement, Jen: This allowed me to exchange the worthless currency of hell-talk for the powerful currency of loving. It used to really upset me to hear that people I loved were going to hell. And then someone tried to convince me of pre-destination. I think that there are strands of truth in all the world's religion and that no one gave me the power to judge. I don't think about hell any more, or heaven for that matter. I'm not saying these places do not exist, but I don't need to live my life in the here and now focused on anything other than the powerful business of loving in the moment.
Beautifully written, Jen.
I know your heart and Bill's... Still, I don't know them nearly as well as God knows them...
Isn't it what HE thinks that matters?
Beck
@BERLINKAT - Thank you for the comment. I spent more time on that one sentence than I did the entire post, so calling it out means a lot. Also, you can't even imagine how mad I get when people I hear people going off about pre-destination. Only people with low IQs believe that crap. hahahahahaha!
@BECK - Thanks, sis! I count on you more than you can imagine.
Split-hoof sounds like the name of death metal band.
Jen, I want to thank you for writing about religion in such a thoughtful, sensitive and wise manner. I was raised Catholic but consider myself quite Agnostic these days. A few years ago, I started reading religious blogs to get a different perspective. Yikes, scary stuff. Your take on religion, spirituality and faith is so refreshing after reading blogs telling me I'm going to hell because I wear pants and live in my own apartment rather than live under the protection of my father.
@JENNIFER - I don't blame you. We're fed this false bill of goods about God and it is really hard to dimantel all that stuff. It's a paradigm shift that at times I know I'm not capable of making on my own. I ask myself a lot - how did I get here??
And, boy, you're right, some of the religious blogs out there are, scareeee. I have NEVER referred to it until now, but of them has Generation X in their title. Something like worst seed generation. It's just one of the worst things I've ever seen. It frequently comes up on my searches and it takes tremendous restraint AND SANITY! not to engage this lunatic. But, then, Proverbs says, never argue with a fool...
There's a long history in the Patristic literature of seeing Hell as the inability to respond to the ever-present love of God. There are some Patristic quotes that touch on this here (scroll down to the header "The Fathers on Hell"):
http://silouanthompson.net/2008/08/27/river-of-god/
Another great literary exploration of this theme is in the chapters of Dostoyevesky's Brothers Karamzov that present the teachings of the Elder Zosima.
I know this is long, but here is the excerpt from Dostoyevsky's Brothers Karamazov that talks about hell from the prospective of the Orthodox Elder, Fr. Zosima (Dostoyevsky modeled Fr. Zosima on a real elder he encountered on a monastic pilgrimage, I believe). Even if you don't want to publish it, you might enjoy reading it:
Fathers and teachers, I ponder, "What is hell?" I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love. Once in infinite existence, immeasurable in time and space, a spiritual creature was given on his coming to earth the power of saying, "I am and I love."
Once, only once, there was given him a moment of active lifting love, and for that was earthly life given him, and with it times and seasons. And that happy creature rejected the priceless gift, prized it and loved it not, scorned it and remained callous. Such a one, having left the earth, sees Abraham's bosom and talks with Abraham as we are told in the parable of the rich man and Lazarus, and beholds heaven and can go up to the Lord. But that is just his torment, to rise up to the Lord without ever having loved, to be brought close to those who have loved when he has despised their love. For he sees clearly and says to himself, "Now I have understanding, and though I now thirst to love, there will be nothing great, no sacrifice in my love, for my earthly life is over, and Abraham will not come even with a drop of living water (that is the gift of earthly active life) to cool the fiery thirst of spiritual love which burns in me now, though I despised it on earth; there is no more life for me and will be no more time! Even though I would gladly give my life for others, it can never be, for that life is passed which can be sacrificed for love, and now there is a gulf fixed between that life and this existence."
cont.
They talk of hell fire in the material sense. I don't go into that mystery and I shun it. But I think if there were fire in material sense, they would be glad of it, for I imagine that in material agony, their still greater spiritual agony would be forgotten for a moment.
Moreover, that spiritual agony cannot be taken from them, for that suffering is not external but within them. And if it could be taken from them, I think it would be bitterer still for the unhappy creatures. For even if the righteous in Paradise forgave them, beholding their torments, and called them up to heaven in their infinite love, they would only multiply their torments, for they would arouse in them still more keenly a flaming thirst for responsive, active and grateful love which is now impossible. In the timidity of my heart I imagine, however, that the very recognition of this impossibility would serve at last to console them. For accepting the love of the righteous together with the impossibility of repaying it, by this submissiveness and the effect of this humility, they will attain at last, as it were, to a certain semblance of that active love which they scorned in life, to something like its outward expression... I am sorry, friends and brothers, that I cannot express this clearly. But woe to those who have slain themselves on earth, woe to the suicides! I believe that there can be none more miserable than they. They tell us that it is a sin to pray for them and outwardly the Church, as it were, renounces them, but in my secret heart I believe that we may pray even for them. Love can never be an offense to Christ. For such as those I have prayed inwardly all my life, I confess it, fathers and teachers, and even now I pray for them every day.
Oh, there are some who remain proud and fierce even in hell, in spite of their certain knowledge and contemplation of the absolute truth; there are some fearful ones who have given themselves over to Satan and his proud spirit entirely. For such, hell is voluntary and ever consuming; they are tortured by their own choice. For they have cursed themselves, cursing God and life. They live upon their vindictive pride like a starving man in the desert sucking blood out of his own body. But they are never satisfied, and they refuse forgiveness, they curse God Who calls them. They cannot behold the living God without hatred, and they cry out that the God of life should be annihilated, that God should destroy Himself and His own creation. And they will burn in the fire of their own wrath for ever and yearn for death and annihilation. But they will not attain to death....
@ANONYMOUS2 - Yes, I love that book - The Brother's Karamozov - although it has been many years since I read it. I need to read it again. Thank you for leaving this, and I'll visit the link. There is so much to take in these days - new ideas to explore and old ideas to dismantle. This is not an easy process. I love these two lines. They really spoke to me today:
"What is hell?" I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.
AND THIS:
Love can never be an offense to Christ.
You have no idea the people I have come across today who need to hear this. Thank you...
OMG! Jen, you must be talking about Dani Kekoa from GenerationXpose. When I first came across her blog (I was researching Gen X articles), I thought I was being punk'd. But this woman is serious! And like you said, SCAREE! She calls Generation X the "Eminem Generation." Ha! Speak for yourself. I'm from the U2 Generation, and I get shit done!
@JENNIFER K - Yep! That's her. You make me laugh!!! Everytime I think about the Eminem reference, I'm like "WHAT???" Not to mention the more obvious stuff!!!!!
Thank you so much for sharing this. The God that you speak of is the only one that I can truly relate to.
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