the winning ticket

Where I’ll find comfort, God knows
‘Cause you left me, just when I needed you most
–from Randy VanWarmer

[this might be a poem]

I left myself the other day.
It went something like this.
I had a winning ticket
And, I told all my friends about it, but
They said nothing.
And, someone even sneered.

But, I still drove to redemption
Feeling unworthy
Wondering why
Noone seemed happy for my good fortune

I exited my car
In complete disbelief  that fate or luck or God
Had shined down on me
But the gravity of guilt pulled me into the ocean

The velocity of fear carried away my
Hope and Confidence
And, noone seemed too happy for my good fortune

I did not put my future in my pocket
I carried it palms up
Tempting the wind to blow it away
I guess
Maybe
So everyone would be happy for me?

And, the wind
It did blow it away and
I chased it, but
I lost it
And now I haven’t slept for 1000 nights,
And noone seems any happier or sadder for it.

I did not receive what I’d been given
Not because I didn’t want it
But, because I could not believe
I really deserved it.

To this I say,
Lord, I believe!
Tell me it’s not too late
To help my unbelief
Tell me, my tangled ticket is delayed
And not denied

And, I ask myself sometimes,
If all good things cometh down from the Father of Lights
Maybe I’m not so good at figuring out
Which are the good things and which are the bad

***

Can you see me?
I’m standing in the middle of the street
At dusk
Because
I heard you whisper
I have a winning ticket
And I want to be certain
You see me
Jumping up and down
Like a wild banshee
Stopping traffic

I turn a cartwheel
And then a sommersault
I run straight to you
And, I put one hand on your shoulder
And another
On the other
I smile in disbelief and say
YOU HAVE A WINNING TICKET!

***

I will walk with you
All the way to redemption
And I will take up the space
Your unbelief occupies.

***

And, if the good ever turns out
To be bad
I’ll run straight to you
And, put one hand on your shoulder
And another
On the other
I will smile in perfect belief
And remind you
You still have a winning ticket

***
 
I deciphered
Generosity
And as it turns out
The winnings are
Total dependence on God.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says

    Jen–
    You never cease to amaze me! I really like this and your dad would have given you a “Thumbs-Up!” I read and re-read it over and over again. It is a Great Read and I want you to know: I received my Winning Ticket years ago. (It never expires) It is Forever valid.
    Love you– Mom

  2. says

    @GEORGIE – Bless you, Georgie. We have so much in common, I think. You’re much more amazing than you give yourself credit for. I know. I’ve read the blog for awhile now. In our hands – all these winning tickets. I am saving one for you!!