Dearly Beloved Generation X,
We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of our friend Hostess, who helped raise us. And, to pay our last respects to Ding Dong, Twinkie, Sno Ball and Zinger. Let us not forget Ho-Ho and Cup Cake, too.
|Is it any wonder? So long, faithful friend.|
It is with great sorrow we consider our future without the red, yellow and blue polk-a-dot Wonder bread wrapper. We express our heartfelt regret for every time we bought lesser brands because they were on sale.
In the days, months and years to come we will recall with great affection your cream-filled centers. We will never get over the loss of your frilly pink cocount. You turned orange for us every autumn, and I faint recall the St. Paddy’s Day you wore green. We totally took you for granted, Sno Ball.
Ding-Dong, you were never quite the same after you shed that beautiful foil wrapper, but we still loved you. You weren’t as cakey as Cup Cake either, but we liked that about you.
And, dear Cup Cake, we’re very sorry we never told you that you were filled with more cream than your knock-off counterparts.
This is mostly a Twinkie eulogy.
Twinkie, you were your own gigantic institution. You were like a sponge soaking up Baby Boomer and Millennial love. As quintessential Gen Xers who embraced underdogs and the counterculture, you were our least favorite Hostess. You see, Twinkie, we knew your dirty little secret. You always wanted to be somebody else: Timer!! RIP you odd little cake.
So long, Raspberry Zinger
And, now finally, Generation X, let us observe a moment of silence on behalf of Raspberry Zinger. RZ, you were the ultimate Gen X babysitter. Do you know how phenomenal you were? What will become of your cult following? It’s anyone’s guess.
And, now to all the Hostess snacks that made growing up latchkey more bearable. Return to the sugar fields from whence thou came, and in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for sugar dust thou art, and unto sugar dust shalt thou return.